Destiny Takes a Day Off
by I won't be here long
Summary: What would happen if Jaune got really tired of waiting around for the final battle and decided to just go out there and see for himself? And left all sense of tact and subtlety where he left his will to live? Read and Review for yourself, I really don't know what this is anymore.


Salem watched on in amusement from a window inside her citadel as the blonde whelp attempted to climb to the palace. It was amusing and sad to watch these tragic heroes… so many of them had passed by over the years. In the end, they all blurred together. Some were fighting for love, or revenge, or 'against evil' like it was an objective concept. Surprisingly, most wielded swords, screamed and were along the same features - defined jawline, ridiculous hair, and broad shoulders. _'I wonder if it's a combination of those traits causes stupidity, or it comes naturally to those with those features.'_ she thought dispassionately

She smiled briefly, and raised her arm so that a Goliath rose from the silvery depths of the spawning pool, trumpeting and screaming before of the knight. Although quite the spectacle it was to watch the boy flail around, and he was the first to make it this far in many years, she had bigger things to worry about. That pestilent Simple Soul was giving her heartburn.

' _Wait... do I even have a circulatory system?'_ Salem mused ' _I have the ability to speak, but do I need the oxygen in my lungs? Questions for later.'_

That little girl and her band of masochists were a growing problem, now with no support from Cinder, the traitorous louse.

 _'_ _Regrow her lung, restore her sight, all she does is punch me in the tit and run away… wait, do I even have a gender? Why would I have a gender if I'm the manifestation of hatred incarnate? Oh, right. Anime."_

She heard the continued grunts and cries of the Knight outside, and turned in annoyance _'Oh my Me, where's the help when you need them? I can't brood without silence… should have kept Watts nearby to clean up this mess.'_ She grinned at the sight of the boy tumbling back into the valley, caught by the tusk of the Goliath. Turning away from the fight with confidence, she returned to her monologue.

 _'_ _Finally, some progress. I was getting tired of hearing that insignificant speck. From what I saw, the fool didn't even have a ranged weap-'_

 ** _THUNK._**

The thought was most rudely interrupted by a cry of pain from the goliath and a spike of bone passing through the window and impaling the left shoulder of her robes, pinning her to the wall.

 _'_ _Oh, now that is it. Does he even know how long it takes to genetically create a Grimm Dress? Oh god, trying to make armpits...'_ Salem fumed as she clasped onto the tusk and started pulling, but it proved to be stubborn, and 2 feet deep in the wall. _'_

 _'_ _Ozpin you misanthropic twat, what are you feeding these kids?'_ She tried to dislodge it twice more, before snarling and absorbing the essence of the Goliath back into her body.

 _'_ _God damn it, now I feel like peanuts. Wait… I DON'T EVEN EAT!'_ Salem snarled within her head. She quickly looked over the hole in her

 _'_ _The dress is salvageable, thank Me, a bit of Essence here and there and five months of research is saved… Shame no one reasonable stocks dresses fit for the bane of mankind anymore. I am_ not _going back to Hot Topic… speaking of angsty teens, I could have sworn I forgot something-"_ Another trumpeting wail, a small stab of phantom pain from the death of Goliath, a whistling of a thrown projectile and Salem turned herself around to see-

 ** _THUNK._**

She was back into the wall, now on the _other_ shoulder.

'Ooooh, I'm gonna skin that kid and use him as a rug.' Salem muttered, blindly reaching around to try and find the other tusk.

 _'_ _Wait… is that running?'_ she thought, cocking her head to better hear the sound. _'Where's he running to? There's no doors or windows on that side of the castle'_ Mentally shrugging while still trying to find the tusk, she yelled 'Insufferable peasant! The door's on the other side! All that's here is the-

 _CRASH_.

 _-priceless and unique mural of the folly of mankind'_ Salem finished in her head as the Knight somehow defenestrated through solid concrete.

Snarling and muttering, Salem grabbed hold of the second Goliath tusk and absorbed it, the crave for peanuts being overcome by the craving for _spilling the blood of the insolent little shit grinning in front of her._

'Ugh, let's get this over with.' Salem muttered 'You there! Skinny, with the Blond hair! Please list in order: name, tragic backstory, friends that have died, a motive, and a generic battlecry or catchphrase, I've got a living dress to reincarnate thanks to your angsty ass.' She frowned 'Can't believe you managed to throw that tusk like a spear… Tusks aren't even aerodynamic'

The whelp sneered, looked up and mouthed what looked like 'Thanks Spear-uh' to the sky, if her lip-reading was correct _'Oh great, he's already fucking insane.'_ He cleared his throat, and made eye contact with the Grimm Queen.

'Well, hi uh… um…"

'Lady Salem, Queen of Grimm'

'...No, I'm not calling you that. How about Sally? You see, Sally-'

'Salem'

'Sale-hem?'

She groaned. ' _Oh me, another special case'_ 'Say it with me now, Say…'

'Say...

'Lem…'

'Lem…'

'Salem.' she said, daring to hope-

'Bitch!' he cried with a grin

Lady Salem's eye, and the black veins around it twitched.

'Well Sally, My name's Jaune Arc, short, sweet, and the _ladies *wink*_ love it!'

She groaned and shot a blast of darkness at the little _upstart prick_. Idiot managed to duck out of the way, most unfortunately.

'Hey! By the laws of tropes alone, you owe me at least five minutes to monologue!'

Salem raised her hand and tried to speak, but stopped, prayed to herself for patience, and sat on the only sanded-down wooden chair at the table. The rest had been specifically ordered for other purposes - namely making the rest of the council uncomfortable in her presence. Ahh, the wonders of psychological warfare…

'Thank you, finally some decency. Tragic backstory… hmm… Well, I grew up in a comfortable home, surrounded by sisters and parents who loved me until I decided to leave my cushy life into a safe and prodigious hunting academy I cheated my way into.' He said, fairly lamely.

Salem's dark sclera widened. 'Wow. Not an Orphan, not even an a single parent dead? I'll have to check the record books-'

His grin became drier 'Not quite. Heard of a town called Ansel?'

'Pfft, that little hamlet that didn't even put up a fight?' She asked, a white eyebrow raised. 'Full of… out of shape… huntsmen…'

She chuckled darkly.

'6"8', Blond hair cut into a crew cut, fat around the stomach, Zweihander with a pistol attachment?'

'How did you-'

'Please child, I see and feel everything the Grimm do. Standing at the front gate, eyes widened in shock, _very_ similar to how yours are now, at the rampaging Behemoth bringing with it a tide of Grimm. Attempting to fight off the preliminary waves, he cracked a rib and ran pathetically back into the Garrison. He seemingly found your _darling siblings_ , and was planning on leaving town until the wall caved in. It's incredible how little Aura matters under the crushing force of 10 tonnes of stone. He was alive, the… Arcs, wasn't it? Lay either dead or bleeding. So torn apart, didn't even notice the Beowolf…'

Her chest was heaving with silent laughter. 'A graduated huntsmen, taken down by a single _adolescent_ Beowulf. God, I can see the family resemblance already!' she said, grimm essence leaking from her eyes in mirth.

Jaune laughed, but his eyes remained hardened 'Yeah, and I can see the resemblance between you and Jimbo out there. How _does_ it feel to be packing that much lard?'

Her jaw clacked shut, but an impressed smile remained. 'Remarkable. Usually I get a better reaction out of people. But, my full hand's not on the table yet.' She reached out telepathically to her floating servant. This Grimm had many of interesting… psychological abilities, and it returned to her beck and call, floating quietly down next to the Knight.

Jaune didn't notice the apparition-Grimm, but still lost a little of his infuriating swagger 'What do you mean?"

Salem's grin reached her ears. "How many Mistralian Cartoons have you seen?"

'Excuse me? You mean that anime shit-' Just then, Jaune's eyes contracted in terror as the floating orb's tentacle burrowed deep into his ear.

"Oh relax, I'll be gentle" Salem's eyes flashed red as her pupil overtook the Sclera. 'Let's see - memories involving your precious _team_ …' She grinned triumphantly _'Ooh, I'm going to like this far more than I should…'_

'Tall kid, around your height, dark hair with a single streak of magenta. Oooh, I remember that one.' Salem drawled. 'Silent all the way to the end, only pained whimpers as that pack of Deathstalkers tore him apart. He tasted organic, nothing like all natural produce, am I right?' She licked her lips at the memory. 'I can see you, off in the distance. A ranged weapon would have helped, wouldn't it _?_ '

Jaune writhed where he stood, straining against the confines of the Orb. Pained grunts and whimpers breached his lips, eyes rapidly moving, blinking without pattern.

'Oh relax, _Jauney,_ not many people get this kind of treatment. You get to see all of this in Full colour from several camera angles!' Salem announced, smirking, before continuing to invade Jaune's mind.

'Oh lucky you, that must have been the same day that the little orange midget, clashing colour scheme, and must have had some deep affection for Magenta, I could taste her pain in the air before… well, let's just say it's been a long time since I've tasted syrup.'

'But where's the fourth?' Salem asked, seemingly to no one. 'I know you adorable little Hunters arrive in a quartet, and you're here alone. Tell me, who's…' She paused, grinning just slightly wider. 'Who _was_ lucky number four?'

Jaune cried out in pain and frustration as the tentacle teared and snapped in his grip, ripping the appendage out of his ear, earning him an unearthly screech as the orb flinched, disappearing back into the shadows. Panting heavily, he looked up, eyes bloodshot.

'Ready for round two, _Jaune-Jaune_? or are you going to be more cooperative?' Salem's grin seemed to be supernaturally enhanced, teeth lengthening beyond the point of humanity, as the darkness returned to her sclera. 'Nice work on getting out the mindspike, however, you weren't quite fast enough. "Does The Invincible Girl" ring a bell?'

Jaune's recently hardened gaze grew distant.

'Cinder unfortunately deprived my Draconian friend a snack, but certainly cleaned up after herself. I can tell you exactly what it's like to be impaled and burnt from the inside, I have had so very many experiences with the Grimm… How the slow realization, to the aching and desperation, to the all consuming pain-' She paused, concentrating 'Wait a moment… from your last memory of her- By the Dark Brother, you're in a Rocket Locker. Tell me, how did it feel to be the damsel in distress?' She said, with incredible venom, relishing the schadenfreude 'Or were you cowardly enough that you crammed yourself in a Maiden-cursed tin can-'

'Y-You seem to have already covered the _'Dead friends'_ category, do you think we could stop wasting t-time?' he said with a weak attempt at a cocky smile, wiping away the blood trickling from his right ear, shuddering as his finger accidently brushed over the wound.

'Oh please, I can guess your motivation, and you're too broken for a battle cry, just look at you.' Salem gesticulated towards Jaune's twitching form 'This is yet _another_ quest of vengeance. Oh my how those are boring-'

She was cut out by the sound of a sad chuckle. 'Wow, I really do look like a stereotype. But against all odds, no.' Jaune stepped forward, a true smile beginning on his face again visible in the light.

'I admire your poker face whelp, but do you honestly expect me to believe that?' Salem sneered. 'Ooh, unless it's for _love_ \- I saw that simple soul in a few of those memories, aren't you a little old for her? And darling Pyrrha is literally Blowing in the wind-'

Once more, Jaune sniggered, then began to chuckle, then shook with laughter. 'I just wanted to see what all the hype was about you. Before you die, of course' He added quickly.

Salem blinked, and snorted 'Excuse me? You haven't got dust strapped around your waist, but this is still obviously a suicide mission. Who do you think you are that you honestly think you can kill me? '

'No, not _me.'_ he said dismissively. ' _The_ maiden. Not four, or three, or two, but one. What do we even call her… The year? What is the proper name for someone who is every Season at once?' Jaune asked to no one in particular. 'Oh, and if I'm correct, she's cleaned up what remained of your little posse. Surprising how much anger a simple soul is capable of.'

Amused, The Queen of Grimm asked the squire. 'Assuming I believe that nonsensical rant, why are you even here? Surely 'The Year' doesn't need a White Knight'

'Hey, if it wipes the smile off of your face, I'll take another ten rounds from the Mistralian Middle School Mascot. You check my memories, and you'll know I'm not lying. As for a reason, aside from sightseeing…' Jaune shrugged. 'I was bored.'

Salem's look could have dried up the Grimm Infested oceans, leaving behind a few angry kraken 'You were bored. You dare challenge the very essence of evil… on a whim.' She paused, weighed her options, and smiled. 'I'd be disappointed if it wasn't a change of pace.' she said and began to summon Grimm around her stronghold. _'Might as well get prepared while I listen to him drivel'_ 'I'm compelled to ask why.'

He yawned, drawing his sword, and stretching. 'I'm not even sure how this works. Do all Grimm come from you, or do you simply control them? Either way, I'm sure it's important if you die. So, I've come to test this theory'

'Oooh, baseless arrogance. I like it.' Salem purred. 'It's almost like I heard this false bravado from one headmaster of Beacon _for the last two centuries._ Got anything more interesting, boy?' She finished with a snarl.

'Sorry I didn't come with a script, geez' Jaune muttered. 'Look, when your best friend's basically a God, and you've watched the rest die, there's not much left to do, you know? Meeting people is awkward, and conversations with Ruby are frustrating when she has to stop every few minutes to run around the continent to burn off the energy from all of those maidens. Also, what do we even talk about? "Hey, I had a great game of bowling in Patch the other day." "That's great! Yesterday, I dealt with the burden of being a demigod aged 16 and meditated in the outer-atmosphere!" It doesn't really work...' He sighed.

'You're really pushing this "Year Maiden" tale, aren't you?' Salem drawled 'I'm wearing myself out from my own lack of intimidation'

'Oh Sally, when would I lie to you?' Jaune said all too innocently, dodging a bolt of shadow. He clutched his chest, mockingly. 'I'm hurt… Or I would be if you weren't such a lousy shot.'

'Oh please, _Hero_. I'm not even started yet.' Salem snarled.

'Oooh, pet names already. Don't tell octopus-sama! He'll get jealous...' Jaune blushed in faux embarrassment. 'But have you got a better one? That's way too generic.' He spoke, with less sarcasm.

'It fits you. It's funny, a Bleeding heart doesn't work too well in battle, yet the 'Heroes' are always the ones that have them. You mortals need all the oxygen you can get.' she said mockingly. She shifted in her seat, leaning back slightly, before speaking again. 'I'm a little confused though. Surely there's a princess in a tower, or a village in distress. Surprised I haven't been seeing you through Grimmer eyes "Driving back the forces of Darkness." That's practically the creed for Hunters, isn't it? Oh, better yet, have you "Turned to the darkness, abandoned the light and forsaken your oaths"? It's been awhile since I've had a _Fallen Hero_ "unleashing their rage", or a Drunken Master, or stoic sentinel... Oh, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? Tell me the grand plan, _appetizer_. How are you going to win?'

'Simple! Imma deck you in the schnoz!'

Salem's stare widened, and she took a minute step back. '...I'm sorry, that's a new one. Points for originality… but how will you… "Deck me in the Schnoz"? Even if you managed that, you' must be blind as well as a fool if you can't see the Grimm clamouring over each other outside", pointing at the writhing mass of darkness, awaiting a command.

'Well, if we need to get all verbose - I've got nothing left to lose.'

Salem scoffed. 'I hereby deduct said originality points'

'Now, I don't mean in the traditional sense. This isn't Martyrdom, or suicide. I've considered both, but they're… really just not my style, to be blunt.' Jaune rambled, gesticulating and looking around the room nervously. He sighed, stopped fidgeting, turning his gaze back to Salem 'Okay, just ignore what I just said, let's try this again, take two.' He inhales deeply, and locked eyes with Salem. 'I'm truly apathetic. Whether I live or die doesn't matter, because Ruby only needs…' Jaune pulled out a watch 'Ehh, and hour or two, tops. Her meditation's almost complete, and Brothers help you when she's realized her full potential. Hell, all things considered, she could kill you right now. But, she seemed to inherit both the maiden powers and the desire for Maximum Ultraviolence from Yang anyways.'

'As for why I'm going full White Knight…' His grin reached levels normally only seen on Beowolves. 'I'm in this for me. I could scream about friendship or cry about my failures, but regardless of what you try with your floating marital aid over there,' He said, pointing at the tentacle orb floating sulkily tending it's wounds in the corner. 'I've made peace with their death. And thanks to a few select tomes on fairy tales, I've made peace with the fact that Ruby will be gone soon as well. You can't have that much fairy tale magic without a catch – 4 Maiden powers? For her body to handle that strain, she must remain a Maiden. Not an adult – She'll literally die once she reaches the societal standard for maturity – So, like half a year?' He asked, prompting Salem with honest intention.

'Don't ask me, I left behind society when I left Ozpin.' Said Salem, shrugging. _Once this whelp leaves, I'm going into hiding. If this is true, then I may just win the war by default._

"Well, it doesn't matter anyways. I learned selfishness. And I don't want to live watching my last friend die knowing that I did nothing while she annihilated you alone. I want just a bit of Glory." Jaune gripped his weapon all the harder. "So, I'm going to live, or die, being what I always wanted to be."

'A tremendous pain _?_ ' Salem muttered, idly picking at a nail.

'Being a _Hero'_ He sighed, a vague smile on his face, apparently deep in wistful remembrance. He even had his eyes crossed naively and the court-mandated chest puffed out and hands at his hips.

Grimm damn it, he was mocking her.

Salem's eyes rolled so far back they completed a revolution. She stood up from her throne, flicked away the dirt from under her nail, and turned to Jaune. 'Five minutes are up, time to die.' She declared, blasting darkness in a pure beam.

 ** _CRASH_**

A great deal of ornamental glass shattered as the _wretch_ dived through another _priceless and irreplaceable art piece_.

Salem shuddered with rage. Eyes reddening again, she commanded the Grimm outside to throw the whelp back into the room. She was going to do this _personally_. However, she misjudged the location of the Behemoth carrying that pestilent prick, and realized just in time to hear-

 _CRASH_

One blond idiot, travelling 60 kilometres an hour through _another_ century painstakingly woven in glass. She caught Jaune by his blonde locks.

Salem's eyes twitched independently of each other, before she began calmly. 'You know what, Arc? Thank you for making me realize that it's about time that I renovate.'

''Glad to help, Sally! What're we doing first?' he said sunnily, trying drawing his sword.

She flipped him in her hand as a craftsman would with his tools, grabbing a leg. 'Let's start with some masonry.'

Arcs never leave a job undone - Jaune used this to excuse the fact that his unusually dense head was being used like the late Valkyrie's war-hammer to collapse the castle.

'You know-' _Crunch._ 'I've heard a common human phrase-' _Crack, whimper_ 'Used to advise humans and faunus to think more clearly.' Another brick of stone shattered like a shrapnel grenade. 'Use your head, I believe.' Salem one-handedly spun around, holding the last Arc by his shin. 'Honestly, I think using other people's heads do the job better.'

'Needs… Work…' Jaune muttered out, skin paling.

'Wow, not so verbose' sneered Salem, taking a break from plastering the Arc scion by grabbing him on the leg. 'Where's the wit, Jaune?'

Jaune's grin widened. He vomited on her shoes.

'*cough cough* ...Right next to the Motion sickness.'

Salem's imminent rage was enough to dispel the Grimm once more into an unfocused mass of darkness, the dark miasma hovering over the desolate wasteland.

' **ENOUGH!** ' She screamed in ugly anger, vibrating to her very core in hatred, shattering the last of the windows in her now ruined Cathedral. Salem settled on hurling the Arc boy through what remained of the ceiling, floating up on a condensed dark energy ball.

'Oh, over the years I honestly thought I'd reached my limit. I'd thought I reached the maximum amount of loathing I could feel for the mortal races of this rock. But through your aching condescension and BORING ASS RANTING, you have made me reach new heights.' Salem breathed, the former Grimm clouding around her. Eye twitching, she grinned. 'But don't worry, you won't go out like Pyrrha did. I'll just force you to imbibe so much Grimm essence that you'll lose all sense of self. Afterwards, I'll leave your body in the spawning pools to make something useful out of your _pathetic life_ '.

'Sounds like a date, Sally.' Jaune quipped, brushing bits of antique marble out of his hair 'Usually I'm the one _forcing in the essence'_ he winked as Salem twitched, 'but hey, I'll take what I can get!'

Salem's mouth was frothing with a dark cloud of pure hate. 'You stare into the face of Sin Incarnate! FEAR ME!' Screamed Salem. She had long lost her sense of subtlety, and her rationality rapidly declining. The dark fog began to channel into her body, swirling around her like a tempest

The Arc just grinned, no fear in his eyes, only the hatred reflected back at her, his smile savage. 'What do I have to fear? Even if you start your torture now, I'll be mercy killed by Ruby before you can even get to the fun part.' He bared his teeth wider. 'Face it, I can't lose.'

Salem stared, as her breathing slowed. _He's right._ A silence began, as Salem shuddered on the spot. She shook herself properly, and raised her arms to cast more darkness at the itch calling himself 'Jaune'. _Fine. We'll make this quick then._

Once more, Salem was interrupted by Jaune piping up. The shadow dissipated slightly in her distractedness.

'Sally. I've got a request, and I promise you thirty seconds of silence assuming you comply.' Jaune asked, as Salem's hand moved in a "Go on" gesture so rapidly it seemed like a blur.

'Sweet Abaddon, what do I need to give you to quiet down?'

'Simple. Fellatio! Get on your knees, pull down my pants, and-'

'Arrogant- Insufferable-' Salem stuttered, as she decided that magic was not an option. No, instead she-

' _screamed and ran forward to gore him with her tusks-'_

 _"_ _Leaped through the air to tear him apart-'_

 _'_ _Flapped her wings to gain height-'_

 _'_ _Breathed fire-'_

 _'_ _Extended her tentacles to-'._

However, when you attempt to do all of this at once, including actions that you don't have body parts for, gravity has it's toll. Salem, the Queen of All Grimm, coughed, spasmed, and fell over.

Jaune looked honestly shocked. 'Did you just…''

'What in the GRIMM-FUCK is this?!' She screamed, as she-

 _'_ _Rose to her hind legs-'_

 _'_ _Flapped her wings again-'_

 _'_ _Began to levitate-'_

 _'_ _Pushed off the ground with her arms-'_

 _'_ _Galloped forward until-'_

Flailed around in the dust and remained face down in the remains of her castle.

Jaune was shaking with poorly hidden laughter. 'Do you need a hand?'

'I WiLL EaT yOu' She snarled, the pitch of her voice echoing oddly as she struggled to her feet, all _three- four- none-_ TWO, two of them.

'Later, Sally. You've got a little something on your face. And no, it isn't your Grotesquely-shaped nose.'

'Oh pleash, liksh I'm going to fall for that tricsh-' She tapered off as she saw a Tusk growing rapidly from her mouth.

She tried to scream, only to let loose a small wreath of fire, charring the tusk and causing an immense amount of pain.

In the windswept hellscape that was her home, Salem was fighting a battle against herself – and losing.

 _'_ _Alright, what in the-'_ What remained of her shrivelled heart skipped a beat. ' _Oh by the Four Maiden's seasonal cunts. Did I just absorb that entire plague of Grimm?'_

At this moment, Jaune dashed forward, forcing Salem to roll over. It seemed that only the simplest and base reactions were possible in her current state.

She looked into his eyes, and saw shockingly, nothing taunting, nothing cocky.

He wasn't ranting. He wasn't smirking.  
He was simply going to kill her.

And he would enjoy it.

Salem ducked, dived, and weaved, trying to unclutter her mind of the whispering of the instincts that weren't even hers. It stung, and it hurt, and all she wanted was to react-

She paused, and realization struck her.

Why resist these instincts when they could save her?

Salem jumped back, trying to get some space, and screamed with just a bit of triumph in-between the pain, letting loose the Grimm-Miasma, and letting it transform her. All these instincts would work very effectively, _if she had the limbs to use them._

She rose, growing larger and larger, as tentacles, claws, and teeth emerged from every pore. She towered over Jaune, three metres, five, ten metres, her growth did not stop.

'I am a nightmare to make Lovecraft shudder!' she screamed, swelling higher than her Cathedral in its original glory. The spawning pits seemed to fall silent in respect for her grotesque grandeur, as eyes burst out across her form like Black and red blisters.

Jaune seemed to be skittering away from her, she couldn't read his face from here, but didn't need to. She relished the feeling of power, and soared ever higher on the dark energies.

'I am Grimm Incarnate!' She roared, voice box developing a Bass growl, echoing heavily in the wasteland of her home. It was time she did something other than brood, other than wait for the help to clean the world of Humans. She would do it herself, once she had the Blond one's head, as the usually whispered voices of Grimm cried out in jubilee.

'I am… I am…' She paused, something wasn't right… Was there something she had forgotten?

She squinted down at the young knight. Still infuriating as ever, but…

Hang, on, where was Arc's Sword and Shield?

And she looked down, and saw them both combined as one, and lodged in what remains of her shrivelled heart.

Her one weakness.

She began to crack open like an open sore, splitting in chunks of dark miasma, dripping and melting. She was losing altitude, losing her mind in the pain, the PAIN! How?!

'WHEN DID YOU EVEN DO THAT?!' She roared, voice rapidly rising in pitch as her lungs lost mass.

"When you started growing… and screaming… and monologuing… So, I took a stab." Jaune said, now looking thoroughly pleased with himself. Salem had lost enough mass they were practically at eyelevel. He smirked again. "Heh heh, stab. Get it?"

"But- But- I thought you owed me five minutes to monologue!" She bubbled, melting down into Grimm-Jelly. "IT WAS THE RULES, DAMN YOU! TROPES DEMAND IT!"

"Oh Sally," He sighed, looking down at her with an absurdly condescending smile. "It's not monologuing if there's two of us."

And Salem faded, she cursed technicality, with the last of her breath.

Ruby crashed, in a red fireball of destruction, brandishing Waning Rose, the ridiculous, even by her standards, sequel to Crescent Rose – A Scythe-sickle-sniper, larger, stronger, and even more impractical for anyone that wasn't accidentally a God.

The shaft, now closer to a telephone pole in thickness, fired Tank-like rounds capable of speeds breaching 500 meters per second, with customizable payloads of hollowpoint, fractal shot and various elemental flavours. The scythe blade itself featured interlocking blades painstaking serrated and infused with her own Aura. Hell, The shaft itself was 4 metres long, for 'Maximum Compensation' as Jaune had put it.

She referred him to his Sword-Sword. He grudgingly admitted a tie.

But now wasn't the time to dwell on her weapon! Her senses sharpened, she quickly took visual notes of everything she could see, passively registering other things as she assessed the field that might be her final stand.

A set of ruins, good cover, but Waning Rose may be obstructed – _How nostalgic, just like the Beacon temple-_

The spawning pits of Grimm, an area to avoid – _Oddly still, from the reports from.. Emerald they should be constantly twisting and writhing._

And Jaune Arc – _Wearing a wig of white locks, terribly done eyeliner, looking vaguely similar to the description of Salem._

Her mind skidded to a halt.

"Hello, insipid weakling!" Cackled Ja-lem maleficently "It is I, the QUEEN OF THE GRIMM, SALEM, THE HARBRINGER OF DEATH AND CONFORMITY AND GOTH CLOTHING-"

"Jaune, what are you doing." Ruby asked flatly.

"Ehh, worth a try." Jaune muttered, ripping off the headpiece. He winced slightly, noticing a few blond strands coming off with the Grimmbone white ones. He dumped it unceremoniously on the ground.

"Jaune, this is serious. Where is Salem?" Ruby said, tightening her grip, eyes once more on the field. There had to be something, an illusion, a trick- Jaune was out buying cigarettes when she'd began to meditate-

She blinked twice. _He doesn't smoke…_

"Behold, Salem." Jaune gestured meaningfully behind him, where lay a very angry coat, an even angrier puddle, and a few strands of white hair.

Ruby looked at the puddle. Then back to him. Then back to the puddle.

"You just had to steal my kill, didn't you?" She said, pouting.

Jaune just smiled.

* * *

Okay, so this one's been fermenting in my Documents for the better part of a year. I really don't know what I was thinking at this point, I just hope that this is funny enough that you guys enjoy it.

If you've read my other work, this part's for you. I don't know when I'll be back to Rabbit's Paw. I haven't abandoned it, it's just my muse for writing is purely based on spite and 'I can do better' attitudes, so somebody PM me a terrible story for this show and I might get inspired again.

No, but really Rabbit's Paw is still interesting to me. Expect more from me soon.

Until then, I hope I won't be here much longer, I've already done so much damage.


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